not all who wander are lost.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Three F's

As most of you are well aware, the "F" word is my favorite word. But today I found myself struggling with three other "F"'s....

  • fear
  • father
  • forgiveness

Since beginning Bernsteins' "May Cause Miracles", I have felt pretty good. I consider myself very open to things such as my fears. I am constantly expressing gratitude (one of the things on my gratitude list was "club soda"....I really make sure I cover and express thanks for every little thing...). And I am pretty good about forgiving myself for any hiccups that come up in my path. Alas, rewind to this morning...

I woke up exhausted. I'd taught two classes and had given several massages before singing last night. The gig was great, friends were aplenty, but hours of shut eye were few. I woke up early to continue my commitment to Miracles, the Ego Eradicator, and a few minutes of meditation. Adding to this exhaustion was the heaviness that I have felt building in my heart these past few days. I have missed my Dad so much lately....good god almighty, I have been missing him something awful. Tomorrow would be his birthday, and every time that I think about it my throat gets tight. My lists of "fears" and journal entries about "fears" are full and detailed, but none of them have the effect on me as this one. And it was today that I had this "a-ha!" moment of awareness...of my true fear....and that is being without my Dad. This is what I love about Bernstein, what I love about this journey we are on, what I love about a little bit of self-inquiry work....the unfolding. Bit by bit more and more is revealed to us - and just when we think we can see the whole picture- more comes into view. So not that I want to back-track and edit my list of fears, but now I understand where most of these fears stem from, why they are so pronounced at the moment, and hell - I even have a lot more to add.

Tonight I am going to a friends wedding....and weddings are a real shitfuck at the moment for me. Add this to the list of fears...

  • My father will never be at my wedding. 

It seems like a weird statement of a fear, but I truly cannot imagine my moment without him by my side. Actually, since I'm being honest with myself, I fear that

  • No man could ever love me if he didn't know my father. 

How could you? How could you know me if you didn't meet the person who made me all of who I am? For this, I thank one of my students who gently reminded me today: "Cailin, this is the way I see it: you are a special, amazing, talented, powerful being. You make so many people feel amazing. Celebrate, because you wouldn't be you without your Dad...and he is so proud of you. Whether he's physically here or not, he's IN you, and you bring so much joy to SO MANY. Whatever got you here to be "you" was right -- even though that seems too hard to believe at times."

Every choice I now make, I make with a hesitation that is based in fear, because my Dad was always my best friend and my sounding board, who's opinion was like gold to me. I still have these conversations with him now about the day to day as well as life's big events, and I try to hear his voice in my head - reassuring me that I'm on the right path.  But still,

  • I fear that I'm making the wrong decisions some days.

Backtracking, all of the fears that have recently come up for me spring from him.

  • Being alone. *I never worried about this so much when he was alive, because I wasn't alone...I had him.
  • Being disliked. *Somehow it didn't matter as much when I had someone love me so fiercely. And I can still hear him laughing, "Ah, Cailin...if they're not with me then they're again' fuck em."
And one of my biggest fears is that I know what he would be telling me right now if he were alive, and it's advice that I am having a hard time following. He'd say...

chill out.
dig your toes in the mud. (clamming)
stop working so hard.
i love you.

And even though I know he'd be saying this to me, it's hard to do without his encouragement. 

So honestly, today was pretty fucking shit for me. My body and my spirit feel broken, but I'm *forgiving* myself and choosing to believe in Miracles. Every day is a miracle, a blessing...I truly feel this. Some days I am amazed that I am still living and breathing despite my Dad being just doesn't seem possible...but it's a Miracle. And though it is hard, I am willing to see my fears differently - I am willing to see love. I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.

1 comment:

  1. beautiful post Cailin...I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I grew up with out my father, he is still alive, but we have never had any real time together and I doubt we ever will, he has a new family now and no real interest in me and my sister. your relationship to your dad sounds so beautiful, i actually can't even imagine it. your loss is so huge because you had something so big together. And that is beautiful, better than not having it all. Some people are worth suffering for, and it sounds like your dad is worth it. Cherish those special moments you had. xo