not all who wander are lost.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

End of an Era.


Dad's best friend Gary, driving the Native Guide, with Mom and me in tow...
A day on the bay....
Franks has moved to Whale Creek.

Well, my Mom said today, "Cailin, It's the end of an era". I went out on my Dad's boat for the first time since he's passed. It's been ten months now and the sadness fluctuates between happy memories and some pretty heavy emptiness. His best friend Gary was our 'captain', so Mom and I just enjoyed the ride. I kept it together while we were on the boat but then cried the whole way home. Mom and I had hoped to keep the boat and use it - going on fishing, clamming, and 'minnow hunting' adventures. Unfortunately I just haven't had the time to take the required boating course, and Mom hasn't had the time for the boat either. Change is a hard thing to accept, and I'm finding it difficult to 'detach' myself from my Dads beloved "Native Guide". Even the marina next door to our slip, Franks Boats, which has been around foreeeever, is no more - all of the boats now belonging to Whale Creek up the road. It has been a difficult time for me adjusting back to South Jersey without my Dad being here - quite frankly, it's just not the same South Jersey as it was when he was around. Though his physical presence is no longer here, I try to remind myself that he is still all around me. Yesterday I had a good cry in the surf. I couldn't shake the funk I was in so I paddled out for some less-than-stellar, chilly-water, sloppy-south-jersey surf. I couldn't breath for a few minutes, having another one of those weird mini-anxiety-attacks that have popped up since arriving back Stateside. Missing Dad, not enough sleep, a strong emptiness and a feeling of discontentment overwhelmed me -- and it was topped off by the shit cold surf which just reminded me of how much I'm missing Sri Lanka, and the people I'm missing so much in Sri Lanka. And so, hysterical I floated, waiting for a wave to come push some sadness out of me. Then - I spoke. Out loud. To my Dad. Like a crazy person. I babbled about missing him, and feeling lost and lonely - and I ended with "And how about some fucking waves?!". As soon as I finished my run-on-rambling-cry to my deceased father - BOOM. My cousin paddled out. BOOM. I had the one and only perfect wave in the ocean. BOOM. He was there. And so I'm holding that in my heart, gently.

And as always, the Universe knows what you need...arriving home today, I was greeted by a card in the snail mail from my best friend Julia out in Oregon - reminding me of how much she loves me. It's the little things, like a good card, a good cry, and a good wave......


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