When I was a little kid and my Dad was out at sea, I would pick up the marine radio and say "DadDadDadDadDadDadDadDad". He said that the guys on the boat would shout, "Snapper, she's looking for you."
Well, I feel like that's what I've been doing lately, shouting "DadDadDadDad", waiting for a response. They say that if you amputate your arm, even though its gone, your body still believes that it's there. Like your body and your mind can't quite grasp that what was once there is no longer. That's how I feel right now. Like I'm looking at my amputated arm, seeing that its not there- but it FEELS like its still there and I can't quite wrap my head around it actually being gone. It's become quite the mindfuck.
As silly as some may think it is, I love oracle cards. And I have been specific to not just but any deck, but only the ones that resonate with me. I have "Ask Your Guides", "Osho's Tarot", and "Spirit Guides". Well the other day, before we were heading out for Summit, Ryan, Paige and I picked a Spirit Guide card. The one that picked me was Pueo (Hawaiian Owl) which says "Your ancestral spirit guides are offering you guidance now, so pay close attention to signs and omens from them". In the booklet, it continues...
"You can receive guidance from your ancestors in the spirit world, no matter what their age or when they died. They're offering you help in many ways right now, so pay close attention to the signs they give you. This guidance can come to you in many forms, whether through your eyes, ears, feelings, or thoughts. Often a particular animal making an appearance before you is a way in which your ancestral guide is trying to reach you. You might hear something that makes you think of a specific ancestor, or simply feel their presence.
Repetition is key here. In whatever ways your ancestors attempt to contact you, signs continue to show up that make you think of your deceased loved ones, know that these physical manifestations demonstrate that they're with you."
Obviously I got chills when I picked this card and read the meaning. I decided that one my way to summit and while I was up in the mountains that I'd try to move and be with more awareness than usual...
It happened when kelsea and I left early for chai. The cool morning had an auspicious feeling to it from the moment that I walked out the door. We got in the car and shortly after pulling out of the driveway there was a raven that flew alongside our car for the length of the road. I felt something as it flew alongside us, and was even more moved that a raven flew alongside the car upon our return home too. When I got back to the house I looked up the symbolism of the raven.
The raven is not just a symbolism of death, but also of communication. Legend says that they are the ultimate oracle, and that they reveal omens and signs. Moreover, the raven is a messenger too, so its business is in both keeping and communicating deep mysteries. They are the holder of ancestral memories.
*Digest That For A Bit*
Yesterday when I was walking around boulder, just strolling, taking in the sunshine, and I picked up my phone and called my Dad. It wasn't intentional, obviously- as much as I struggle with it, I KNOW that he's dead, but it was just habit. Whenever I travel he has been the one I share my stories and adventures with. So I picked up my phone, called "Dad" for some random rambling and an "I love you", and was brought back to reality when I heard a lady saying"This number has been disconnected" over the line. It's just going to take some time I suppose, but I will take comfort in all the things around me that serve as a reminder that he is everywhere and inside of me, today and every day, and I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for any ravens that are cruising the skies....