not all who wander are lost.

Monday, September 24, 2012

If You Have to Pee...PEE.

I told my friend Kate the other day that I just wanted to cry, all day. And she said "Well, if you have to pee...pee." And so I cried....

There are many waves to grieve, and there are many stages to the process of grieving. I have been told that I need to:

  • Dance.
  • Laugh.
  • Drink.
  • Cry.
  • Sleep.

This, people have said, is the cure for a broken heart. 

Well....Saturday night just about summed it up. High heels and whiskey with friends at the Heritage Party @ the Deauville in Strathmere is where it all began. If there is any possibility of dancing, you are damn sure that I'll be dancing (thank you Mom, I got this from you. And my Dad was always known to tear up the dance floor too). I was told that some people thought that I was "wild" and "crazy", but I don't give a fuck. I can't sit in a chair because people are too insecure to bust a move, and anyone who judges someone having fun is doing so because they don' I laughed my ass off all night. And I drank. Sipping whiskey and a club soda. Later moving to beer. I cooled it down once we got to the Dead Dog in Sea Isle. I was tapped out and ready to just kick it with friends. My feet hurt from dancing, my head was a touch cloudy with whiskey and the smile on my face couldn't have gotten any bigger if I'd tried. We listened to the girl strum away on stage and ate and laughed. Towards the end of the night everything became a downward spiral. There was a domestic abuse incident outside, there was drama with the drunks inside, so I just posted up and tried to wrap my head around the good night gone bad. What is it about a great night that makes people angry? I'll never understand. Out of no where, completely unprovoked, I was verbally assaulted by one of the 'surfer bro bros' that was out. He came at me spouting off about me being retarded and making pretty fucked up digs about my 'dead dad'. Completely in shock and caught off guard I just sat there and cried as he continued with his unprovoked profanities. Eventually my cousin Jenny came out to smoke a cigg and when she heard what he was saying she freaked out. Megan heard it all and came out to hold me as I just sat there crying (pitiful, I know. I shoulda knocked him out...but my arms hurt too bad from CrossFit). Jenny literally chased him off as he CONTINUED to shout at me. Megan carried me home as I cried and snotted and dry-heaved. I must have said a thousand times "I'm just so sad, I'm just so sad". And so we got home, she cuddled me on the couch and rocked me to sleep as I cried and cried. I got very little sleep that night seeing as that I had to teach yoga the next day, my eyes swollen shut from the previous-nights cryfest.

Well I went to sleep last night at 8pm and didn't get up til 9:30 this morning, and if there weren't waves then I would still be in bed. I feel like I could sleep for an eternity. 

Osho says that the people we hold closest to us are actually, physically a part of us. So when that person dies, a part of you dies. So not only are you mourning the loss of that person, but you are actually mourning for yourself - because a part of YOU has died. There have been times in my life that I feel like my Dad filled all of me. He was the inspiration for my wanderlust, he was my anchor to my family, he was the fuel for my fun, and my best friend. Osho says that eventually the pain will pass, but that space where he lived will always be empty. As time passes that space will be filled up with the love and presence of others, but it will never quite be the same. 

So....if you see me dancing, laughing, drinking, or crying ... either join me or get outta my way. Because grieving the loss of someone SO GREAT is going to take a long time...a lot of dance parties, a lot of laughing, a bunch of booze, and boxes of tissues. Thanks to everyone who was a part of the good times the other night. 

Shake it Out. Shake it Out.


  1. I am so sorry people are such dicks sometimes. Shake it out, shake it out.

  2. I seriously grew so enraged reading this that I could swear I was spitting blood just now. What I wouldn't give to have been there with you while that scumbag was insulting you ... he wouldn't have seen me coming! And you are right, doll. People who hate on you, only do so because they hate themselves. Pity them, don't validate them. Don't let them bring you down or inhabit any space in your head or heart AT ALL. You are so inspirational, strong, and fabulous that those who pale in comparison know nothing else but to hate. I am sorry for your night :( These are the times I wish I lived closer, because I would so offer to come dance with you ANYWHERE YOU WANTED! Keep dancing sweet friend ... - steph long