not all who wander are lost.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

And so the time has come...

We came up to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania today to get an MRI and to meet with our doctor, Dr.Arati Desai. She didn't have very good news, but [unfortunately] we weren't expecting any. She told us that his tumor is growing, and that we now will be stopping chemotherapy as well (we stopped Avastin about two months back). His body and his brain have just had enough. So we talked about how to handle the ending of his [beautiful] life. At this point comfort is all that we are concerned with. The pain in his throat, jaw and face could very well be caused by a blood clot, but to operate at this point would be a waste, and we don't want to cause him any more discomfort. He has been admitted to the hospital to be hooked up to an IV of antibiotics and so we can meet with pain specialists as well as a doctor who will help us arrange for hospice care. We should be home in two days (I'll still be driving back and forth to teach yoga- it's the one thing that keeps me grounded and the sadness at bay), and when we get home hospice will be helping my mother, myself and my aunt nellie to care for him. Dr.Arati Desai and Dr.Kelly Guld have been very helpful in breaking down how the end will come, and how to handle it. Hospice is in line to help treat the *pain* (no longer the symptoms) and to ease your way, peacefully, into your passing.

We have all known the inevitable was approaching, but fuck does it hurt to say out loud. Thank you everyone for your love, support and prayers over these past two years- and keep em coming, it's not over til it's over...

"Fare you well, my honey, fare you well my only true one.
All the birds that were singing are flown, except you alone.

Going to leave this brokedown palace,
On my hand and knees, I will roll, roll, roll.
Make myself a bed in the waterside,
In my time, I will roll, roll roll.

In a bed, in a bed, by the waterside I will lay my head.
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

River going to take me, sing sweet and sleepy,
Sing me sweet and sleepy all the way back home.
Its a far gone lullaby, sung many years ago.
Mama, mama many worlds Ive come since I first left home.

Goin home, goin home, by the riverside I will rest my bones,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

Going to plant a weeping willow,
On the banks green edge it will grow, grow, grow.
Sing a lullaby beside the water,
Lovers come and go, the river roll, roll, roll.

Fare you well, fare you well, I love you more than words can tell,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul." --Jerry Garcia

9 comments:

  1. Cailin, I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Love you - along with MANY others. Your family is in my thoughts. <3333

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  2. Cailin, I have followed your blog on and off for awhile. Always full of honest, and beautiful thoughts and revelations. The way you and your family have handled your fathers health and well being over the past two years is an inspiration on living life to the fullest . I thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with your family as you continue this Journey..... -- Late Night

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  3. We love you and your family more than words can say..newcomers to team Callahan...we are here to stay..let us support and lift you up and give back what you have given to so many people..the love of a real family. Our Serwatka family celebrates your life....so rare and special...prayers and continued thoughts..holding your hand..One Day at A Time...Lorraine, Brooke, Tommy, Tom

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  4. Thoughts of peace and love to you and your family.

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  5. Hi Cailin, I'm so proud of you and your mom's amazing strength. I've been thinking of your family and sending as much love as I can from afar. Give your mom a hug for me, love you, Erin

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  6. Hi Cailin, I'm so proud of you and your mom's amazing strength. I've been thinking of you and your family and sending as much love as I can from afar. Give your mom a hug for me, love you, Erin , Jay, Kelsea, Ryan

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  7. You probably don't know me, but I took your class at the Zen Den this summer and have been following your blog ever since. Your family is such an inspiration, and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Know that I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

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  8. Hello beautiful.
    So, I've had this one song stuck in my head for days. I was thinking of you while I was sitting in class this morning, and I wanted to send some love your way when I got home. Made me smile when I looked at your blog and saw that you had already found comfort in the love of the same song that I was going to share with you. Love you to the moon and back, Cailin. Thank you for always believing in me and sharing your love. I've always looked up to you and I think of you often.
    Love you,
    KatieD (and Vita <3)

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  9. I've come to read your blog pretty regularly through a mutual friend and just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Keep the strength and love going and I hope you find grace in your difficult days. Lauren

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