I am having a great time- you can tell that from reading the blog, viewing my pictures, and following my facebook. I have a smile on my face 98% of the time- and on the occasion that I feel anger or sadness, it passes as quickly as it arrives. Any bit of emotions going on Inside of me I have chosen to ignore- though lately they've been surfacing after an intense physical practice followed by a deep meditation. Most people fully accept my smile, but there's been two people who have called me on my bullshit: Ratha Kong and Meesh.
Ratha Kong is a Khmer woman who works at a fancy hotel in Siem Reap. Her and the Borgeious's (my good friends, yoga students and surf buddies) became friends after they stayed at the hotel a few years back. Before I left the states, Eileen sent me with a gift for Ratha. I made my way to the hotel to deliver the package, and after I dropped it off she asked that I return in a few hours. A bit after sunset I headed back to the hotel. Ratha had a thank you note and a gift for me. She sat down with me in the fouer and asked about my trip. Then she said "Are you happy?". Her English isn't that great, so I figured that she was just asking 'how are things?!'. With a huge grin on my face, I replied "Absolutely!!". Afterall, I WAS having a great time, and I WAS happy. She didn't buy it, replying, "No, but are you HAPPY ...on the Inside???". Well fuck, I broke down. Heavy year. And a complete stranger saw right through me.
Last night at dinner, Meesh looked at me and said "Okay Cailin, what the fuck is going on? I read your blog, I know what's going on in your life- but let's be honest. What the fuck is going on? You don't have to be fucking superwoman. As soon as you walked into the hotel the other day I just knew that something was off with you." well- it was a loooooong dinner. We talked and talked. Shawn, Dad, Dad, Dad, feeling lost a bit in this new chapter of life- blah blah blah. "Heavy. Fucking Heavy." ...that was her response.
Both Meesh and Ratha helped me to realize that it's okay to keep smiling through the bad, but you also need to mourn- otherwise (as Meesh would say) "Fuck man, it'll fucking kill you!".
So starting today, I'm going to give some love and attention to what's going on inside....